Destiny and a Side of Guacamole
by LeiCross
Summary: The fangirls started it all. Now destiny runs a crooked fifty-yard-dash to the end of the world. Please help us!
1. How they started

**Destiny . . . and a side of guacamole**

Once upon a time there was this guy, a really short guy, who decided that the fate of the earth was like an earthworm in the rain. It absolutely did not matter. At all.

At.

All.

But then one day, this short guy who, did I mention, was hot, received some fan mail in his mailbox from yet another crazy ugly girl who was head over heels for him. So, naturally, he recycled the stupid letter and went back to watching C-span. But then, later that day, he once again was bombarded by mail from ugly girls. So he burned down the house, with his mother still inside, and ran away to Tokyo, blabbing something about destiny.

Unfortunately, he was hitchhiking along a long and dusty road, when a drunkard with a really ugly face and dark brown hair sabotaged him and tried to pull out his beautiful hair. So he screamed, and the drunkard doubled over in hangover pain, and the short hot guy, whose name is Kamui, ran away and slept in a cardboard box.

On the other side of town, a crazy surgeon, disguised as a buff high school student, tried to sell his sister on EBay, but to no avail. She was too ugly. Depressed, the psycho surgeon decided to take a long contemplative walk across the city.

When the semi-buff deformed high school student as a surgeon in disguise walked past his favorite junkyard, he noticed a small short hot boy, the hero of our story. So, being the surgeon that he was, he decided to abduct the sleeping hobo boy and take him home as a practice kit.

When the surgeon, whose alias name was Fuuma, returned home, his still ugly sister noticed the hot boy and, as all other ugly girls, screamed and tried to wrap her arms around him. But Fuuma forced a sleeping pill down his sister's ugly throat, and she collapsed onto the carpet, snoring.

Meanwhile, Fuuma carried the hobo boy over to a spare bed that happened to be uninhabited at the moment, and placed the boy in it. Then he ran downstairs into the hidden basement and sang a happy song about pickles and Finish pork. What he didn't know, was that Kotori, the ugly sister, had awoken, interestingly enough, and had crept into the hobo boy's new room. She gazed at the hot sleeping hobo runaway beautiful boy and sang a song to herself about being friends with the spiders.

Poor Kamui awoke to find himself face-to-face with an ugly delusional girl. He screamed, and the ugly girl skirted away from him like he was some kind of arachnid that didn't want to be friends. Fuuma literally flew up the stairs and into the bedroom to find his beautiful souvenir cowering in a corner while Kotori had one of her daily spaz attacks on the bed. What a wonderful first impression.

After quite a lot of pills and explanations, Kamui and Fuuma were best friends, and they promised that they would always shun Kotori, no matter what. But what Kamui didn't know was that Fuuma was secretly planning to destroy the earth and kill all the cool people so he and his ugly friends could exterminate mankind. Not that it had anything to do with him though. Or so he thought.

Already an evil plan, the type of plan that could only be hatched in the mind of an evil surgical genius, was beginning to form.


	2. Lifestories Galore

**The Dragons of Heaven**

A long time ago, in a galaxy far far away, an android sat on the roof of an ancient café, gazing at the ground with a loving expression on his face. Suddenly, a boy dashed past him, laughing hysterically, as another android called out, "My toupee! Sacré bleu!" The old android sighed. Sorata. The young model was always acting up. He would have to be taught that stealing is wrong, unless there's no money for gas, which then makes it perfectly okay. The old android stood slowly, his joints creaking. They would need to be oiled. "Ah," he sighed. "If I only had a heart . . . "

* * *

Happy House was the worst orphanage ever. Everyone there was so ugly. Arashi couldn't stand ugly people. That's why she spent ¥42,000 on Botox. But she was about to find true happiness. For in three days, she was being adopted by Lady Gaga, a true beauty. She had forever dreamt of being adopted. But time and time again she had been rejected. Too pretty. Too thin. What was that weird sword that kept coming out of her hand? But finally, it was all over. Happiness was here.

* * *

Being the thirteenth head of the Sumeragi clan and all, Subaru really had no time for fun and games. So he was surprised when he received the invitation to the Royal Annual Colonial Ball. It was on the night – the only night that week – that he wasn't doing anything. Not even stopping to think about some sinister forces that could be behind the surprise invitation, Subaru went to Value Village and bought a costume. And it looked really good on him.

* * *

A long trail of filth dirtied Seiichirou's grey shirt as he wiped his hand on it absent-mindedly. Yes, the life of a chimney sweep was a hard one, but he had gotten used to it. He was surprised at how dirty the mayor's chimney had been. It looked like it had never been cleaned. At least, not properly. Seiichirou's warm brown eyes swept over his work. All finished. Now he could collect his meager pay and retire to his R.V. in peace.

* * *

The citizens had heard tale of the great Pink Panther. A criminal mastermind. A serial killer. A true crook. All they would see would be a flash of pink. The mark of the panther. But by day, the mysterious super villain was a humble librarian alias Karen Kasumi. Under that straight blonde wig was hidden the key to her identity. Pink hair.

* * *

SMASH! There was orange everywhere. It rained down from the ax like a monsoon, splattering the ground. It was sick. The girl walked in between the rows of the mangled pumpkins, cackling. "DIE!" She screamed as she swung the ax into the side of a young pumpkin, splitting it in two like the earth's final day. Inuki, the faithful yet abused spirit dog, bounded up to her, a grim look on his doggy face. "Why have you done this, Yuzuriha? Why?" The evil child smiled sinisterly. "The enemy," she said coolly. "Has opted for oblivion."

**The Dragons of Earth**

Destiny is a fickle thing. Sometimes it makes sense. But usually it doesn't. Unless you're a Barbie. A very tall Barbie, with long flowing golden hair and unnatural golden eyes. Yes, destiny is a fickle thing. Unless you're Kakyou. Kakyou, who knows all. Every day, every minute, you can spy him, sitting beside the run down Four Seasons, basking in the sun, eating his sandwiches. Ever since the Mattel Company was closed, Kakyou had been out of work. No one wanted to employ a beautiful man that resembled a very hot woman. But, as Kakyo so constantly mused, that's life.

* * *

"I don't know but I've been told! I'm gonna find a pot o' gold!" Kusanagi hummed to himself rhythmically as the metal detector swayed to and fro over the shifting sands. The past few months had been spent in Arabia, searching for buried treasure. The sun was scorching, and his mouth was dry, but the mountain man continued on, humming to himself in his little way. As soon as he found the treasure, then he could go on to his next project. The Fountain of Youth.

* * *

"Camera standby. Recording in three, two, one, action!" The make-up artists and costume touch-up women scurried out of the way as the 5:00 news began. The lead anchorman was everyone's doll, the famous Seishirou Sakurazuka. Always looking sharp in his black suit and tie, Seishirou delivered even the most tragic events with a smile that kept everyone begging for more. Families would huddle together to watch the idol broadcast in the evening. There was even a fan club made especially for him. It really was the best job a man could ask for.

* * *

Meat. It's a really messy thing. Some people just can't deal with that mess. Some people just can't take in all that gore. But some can. Some really talented people can. And one of those people just happened to be a man named Yuuto Kigai. Yes, Yuuto. He was the son of unfortunate Irish immigrants that came to America because of the potato famine. They found work as poultry farmers, and soon, raised enough money to send their son to school in Japan. So that's where Yuuto lived. Raised by his adopted family of meat cleavers, Yuuto decided to continue his passion and chop up little cows and pigs. And that's where we find the poor man today.

* * *

The hills were peaceful and quiet. The tall grass swayed in the unceasing breeze. All around were flowers, beautiful peonies. The person sat in the center of it all, legs crossed like applesauce, arms lifted, palms up. This was the way Nataku prayed. Every day. As was the custom. The long line of Skimbleshank hippies had always inhabited this mountain. And now, it was his turn. Or her turn. Err . . . let's just go with "its turn." Because, after all, Nataku was a clone. Genderless, emotionless, mindless, as was the custom. For the prophecy foretold of his birth. The one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord. Born to those who have thrice defied him, born in the seventh month. Unfortunately, the Dark Lord had marked him as his equal, but luckily, he had power the Dark Lord didn't know about. And that's why Nataku spent his days in prayer. Because neither could live while the other survived. And he was afraid.

* * *

"Four!" The golfers ducked, their arms over their heads in sheer terror. She was known as the Green Machine, the queen of the golfing community. Along with her caddy, the pro-wrestler for Yugoslavia known simply as "Beast," Satsuki Yatouji ruled the world of roughs and fairways. She stroked her nine-iron tenderly, then signaled to Beast, who grunted. The eighteenth hole was always the hardest. But with luck, a little blackmail, and a few beatings from Beast, Satsuki was very likely going to win the US Open.


	3. Twin Lemons and Frenemies

**The Twin Lemons and the Beginning of the Gathering of Frenemies**

Now, there came about in the home of the two boys a question. Where the heck was Kamui's mom? He avoided the question and tried to discuss other, more important things, like flying pigs. But that made Kotori spaz out because her best friend had died of the Swine Flu. So they went back to the other question. And so there was an endless cycle. Indifference, swine flu, spaz. Indifference, swine flu, spaz. But Fuuma wasn't paying attention.

Lately, Fuuma had been having nightmares. In them, a witch doctor had been telling him that he couldn't use his new friend Kamui for surgical practice. He was getting frustrated. Who was this witch doctor, who kept traumatizing him with happy thoughts? Again and again, he saw his friend, smiling, having a great time. It was terrifying. For there's one rule that all surgeons must follow: Do not get attached to your prey. Ahem, patients.

Kamui on the other hand, was very confused. Why, just the other day, he had spied the drunkard from before with his posse surrounding a hobo on the street. The hobo was very ugly, resembling a rotten squash with long silvery hair. Kamui would've helped her, except she was so . . . ugly. So ugly.

And then, when he managed to find sleep, the hobo would appear in his dreams calling, "Destiny! Destiny! Destiny!" He tried to shut her out, like his old greasy haired teacher had taught him, but she was too strong, forcing him to relive the worst moments of his life. Again and again, he saw letters. Letters. Letters from ugly screaming fan girls. They never ended. He tried to resist, but her screams always resounded in his ears. "DESTINY! DESTINY! DESTINY"

Something was about to happen. Something that would affect everyone, even the out-of-work lowlife surfers that tried to hitchhike across Route 66. Something that could not be undone.

Kotori knew. Behind that constant lopsided grin, she was secretly keeping contact with a long-haired Barbie. An unemployed long-haired Barbie. It was all part of the game. Their little club. The Mafia.

Kakyou had notified Kotori of the upcoming changes of the future. Being a super ultra pop star Barbie was just a cover. His other friends, Ken, Adam, and Harry, the buff bishie dude, were all part of the Mafia. An inside job. They gained information about all kinds of things: From bathhouses to bocce ball, Hogwarts to homework, Jury Duty to Janis Joplin, and, above all, the fate of the earth and all mankind. But all Kotori cared about was Harry, the buff bishie dude. He was oh, so . . . BUFF! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh . . . the feeling of love.

Kakyou, the most down-to-the-fate-of-the-earth person in the group, had recently obtained some Top Secret information on something he referred to as L.E.M.o.N., or Lethal Extraterrestrial Machinery of Now. Apparently, the L.E.M.o.N., or Lemon, as it was commonly called amongst the group of Mafioso, was a key factor in the end of the world. And it had something to do with "Kamui." Of course, no one knew who or where this "Kamui" was, not even Kotori, for when she was not in gangster mode, she was a delusional wench that could only remember the name of her pet spider Sméagol. So alas, the Mafia was baffled with the mystery of "Kamui" and the Lemon.

Meanwhile, the real Kamui had been abducted a second time on his way to Starbucks by the drunkard and his posse. They shoved him into the back of an old Volvo and tortured him with Cabbage Patch Kids to make him keep quiet. He lay there, hardly daring to breathe, while a very gorgeous man, who could possibly be a model, and a woman completely covered in Kermit the Frogs watched him with wonder.

When the beat up old car finally arrived at its destination, the model man and the Lady Gaga wannabe dragged poor Kamui out of the car, while the drunkard followed close behind, a Cabbage Patch Kid in each hand. They led him to a dilapidated old Public Storage building and walked him inside, staring straight ahead with a look of triumph on each of their faces. Kamui looked around him, taking in the mountains of old China dolls, fallen boxes, pogo sticks, and other miscellaneous items that littered the dusty floor.

"What the heck is going on here?" he asked, bemused. Suddenly, the drunkard pushed him roughly from behind, and he stumbled into a storage closet, the door sliding shut behind him. It was pitch-black. Kamui put his hand in front of him, but he couldn't see it, or anything else. He heard a jingle of bells and froze. Then a voice crackled somewhere from the ground.

"I've been expecting you, Kamui."

Fuuma had a problem. In fact, he had many. But there was one that was more important than the others. His surgical tools were missing.

He looked everywhere for them. Behind the toilet, under the bed, next to the T.V., above the washing machine, in Kotori's room, in his room, in Kamui's room, everywhere! He was fed up. Now nothing could begin and nothing could end. It was almost like a part of his soul was gone. Now he had no hope. Until one day. And it was all because of Kotori.

The Mafia often held their meetings within the Tofu-Sushi Shrine, Fuuma and Kotori's home. Usually, Fuuma just ignored them and sharpened his incision tools and cheese graters, but he was too depressed to do so. He didn't have anything to sharpen anyway. So he glumly sat in the corner of the kitchen munching on strawberry pocky while a strange looking man-woman spoke. He perked up when he heard the all too familiar name . . .

". . . Kamui's destiny, as you all know. But apparently, the lemon seems to have a twin star, a duplicate. So that must mean . . ."

"Wait, Kamui? What?" Fuuma stood and ran over to the man-woman. He shook . . . him . . . by the shoulders. "What do you mean?" Kakyou looked slightly miffed at the unexpected disturbance from the sidelines. But nevertheless, he sighed and began explaining to Fuuma, while Ken, Adam, and Harry, the buff bishie dude, nodded their heads silently like they were at some Goth concert somewhere. Kotori just stroked the back of a milk carton.

"You see, Kamui is the chosen one. He is the one who will decide the fate of the earth, whether the humans survive or the earth is saved. He must carry a certain weapon into battle, a weapon known as Lemon. This weapon will not obey his command unless he is the true Kamui. But recently, I have discovered that there are two Lemons. So that means that there must be two Kamui's, one for the good side and one for the bad."

Fuuma smirked. Well, if he was Kamui, he would choose that bad side. He was evil that way. What can I say? He's a doctor.

"Where exactly did you get all this information anyway?"

"Wikipedia."

Wikipedia is probably the most well-known Mafia database website in the world. Fuuma wasn't surprised.

"'But what do you mean "two Kamui's?" I thought there was only one."

"Aye, we thought that as well," spoke up Ken. "But there seems to be a little more wind to starboard than was plotted across them charts." Fuuma, Kakyou, Adam, and Harry, the buff bishie dude, stared at Ken for the longest time. Then Kakyou, after sweat-dropping, cleared his throat and started to speak. But he was once again interrupted by the cute little rat in the corner.

"Onii-chan! Onii-chan! Onii-chan!" cried Kotori, wiggling across the floor. "It's Area 11! They've started the attack again! Help! We must defend Britannia and all that we hold dear, otherwise all will fall into despair and . . ."

"Silence, you nitwit," spat Kakyou, looming over the prostrate Kotori. "Quit your babbling. We men have important things to discuss."

"Such as Kamui and the fate of the earth?" suggested Fuuma.

"Exactly! You catch on fast, my man." Kakyou gave Fuuma a hearty slap on the back, perhaps a little _too_ hearty, and Fuuma toppled forward onto the ground next to Kotori, who squeaked and mumbled, "Fasten your seatbelts, Sherlock, it's gonna be a bumpy ride." Kakyou stared at his ugly pale hand in shock. Never before had he knocked someone to the ground with mere strength. It was almost like he was some kind of Dragon of Earth or something. Man, that would be cool . . .

"Well," huffed Fuuma, pushing himself off the ground. "I suggest we hire a few more staff members. Maybe they could, ya know, give us some inside scoop about Kamui. Because, frankly I have no idea where that little rascal has gotten off to. Haven't seen him since my tools went missing."

Kakyou was about to comment on what a splendid idea that was, when there came a loud crash, and half of the wall completely crumbled, letting in a magnificent light that temporarily blinded them. Dust filled the room, and The Mafia and Fuuma coughed, into their arms of course, and squinted into the white brightness of the beautiful day.

"Ah, what have we here, Beast?"

He felt a tug on his pant leg and looked down. But of course, he couldn't see anything. It was dark.

"I've been expecting you, Kamui," drawled the crackly voice again. Kamui fidgeted. He tried to pull away from the firm grasp on his clothes, but a steady hand yanked hard, and he fell onto his knees, shaking. He had no idea what, or who, he was up against. Probably just as well. If there had been a light there, Kamui would have been so horrified, he would have fainted.

"Who are you?" he asked, steadying his voice.

"She is the greatest dream seer prophetess in all of Japan," barked a loud voice from behind Kamui. He whipped around, searching in the blackness of the storage space for any sign of light. He heard the sound of footsteps, then gasped as a tiny light shone a few feet in front of him. It hovered for a few seconds in the blackness, then bounced in the air and hovered a few inches from where it had been. He watched transfixed, his violet eyes locked on the little orb.

"Yo Shamika. You not remembers that I bought us electricity girl? Oo wee mama!" Brilliant fluorescent lights flooded the room and Kamui thrust his knuckles into his eyes as a voice called, "Sheesh Hanukah I thought you were on the nut! Did you nick a Shawtie? Could end up in the House for that, man!" There were a few guffaws, and someone thumped the poor boy on the back.

"Dude, you chill?"

Kamui groaned, then squinted as he removed his hands from his face. Gradually, his eyes adjusted to the light, and he found that he wasn't alone. Even though he already figured that out. Two identical girls stood in front of him, slouching. One had vibrant red hair and chewed on something, probably tobacco. The other had shocking blue hair and wore a du rag. Simultaneously, they leaned down and scrutinized Kamui, who shrank back a fraction of an inch.

"Fo' sho'? This dingus is da goose? IDK . . ." said the one with the blue hair.

"Man, Shamika, you a sap. Boss said he's Kamui, he's Kamui. Fo' sho'." The one with the red hair smirked. She thrust out her hand at Kamui. "Yo squirt. Welcome to da crib. You got a spat with the Boss you got a spat with us, you dig?" Kamui eyed her hand warily before tentatively shaking it. The girl seemed satisfied and straightened up. Shamika did the same.

"Now we got the borderline out, the boss wants to waggle." Shamika and the other girl, Hanukah, grasped Kamui's arms and pulled him to his feet. He was really confused now.

"Boss? What do you . . .?"

"Zip. The floor's taken, shawtie." Shamika tapped Kamui on the nose, then stepped to the left as Hanukah stepped to the right. They revealed a person sitting on the floor behind them, surrounded by tiny candles. The person wore a straightjacket decorated with tiny bells. Her long silvery hair sprouted from her head and trailed across the storage floor. Her face was hideous, resembling a rotten squash. She smiled.

"Kamui."

And then he truly did faint.

She wasn't very tall, probably about five foot three, and the baggy clothes she wore made her look even shorter. She wasn't that beautiful, her dark eyes framed by thick round glasses and her black hair brushed back and secured with a hair tie. But she had power. And that's what made her awesome.

"What happening be this?" Kakyou yelled, terrified, as the girl drew closer.

"Perhaps you should explain, imbecile," she replied, stepping into the demolished room. A short troll stood behind her, clutching a dark mauve golf bag. He glared at the occupants of the room and wheezed. Suddenly, he spied Fuuma and squeaked, a peculiar sound that sounded much like a chicken getting roughly shaken. The little man scurried over to Fuuma and bopped him sharply on the bicep.

"Hey!" Fuuma yelled, grabbing the little swine by the wrist and shaking him. "It's rude to hurt people you don't know." The pro-wrestler stared at him, then rapidly began babbling something that sounded like, "Chest on the nymph! Chest on the nymph!" Fuuma released him, confused, as the Yugoslavian stomped over to the girl, raving. He pointed to Fuuma repeatedly, screaming the strange words. "CHEST ON THE NYMPH!" The girl gasped and gave Fuuma a once-over, then clapped her hands. The man immediately silenced and began polishing her shoes.

"Beast tells me you are the one," she said slowly, gazing at Fuuma. "Pleased to meet you, Kamui."

Fuuma frowned. "Um, no, I am not Kamui. And what do you mean the one?"

"The one who will wield the Lethal Extraterrestrial Machinery of Now in the final battle."

Everyone gasped. The Mafia stared at Fuuma in awe. Kakyou sank to his knees, a tear rolling down his cheek. Ken, Adam, and Harry, the buff bishie dude, took a knee as well, bowing their heads at a perplexed Fuuma. The girl with the glasses stepped forward again, now level with Fuuma. He stared down at her and gaped.

"I am Satsuki Yatouji. I am honored to be meeting with you. My only request is to stay by your side and help you in the battle for the fate of the earth."

"Funny girl with the glasses say _WHAT_?"

"The battle for the fate of the earth. You shall be in it. Fighting someone you love." Fuuma glanced across the room at Kotori, who was trying to lick her elbow. Satsuki grimaced.

"Oh GOD no! No, you shall be fighting the other Kamui."

"For reals?"

"Yes, You shall be fighting the other Kamui. And he shall die."

_**Note: I hope that the part with Shamika and Hanukah isn't too confusing. Basically I just changed their real names to sound more hood :)**_

**_Please R+R! Thank You!_**


	4. I found a Llama under your porch

**A/N: Because I forgot to do it before . . . I do not own X. I am not associated with CLAMP. If I was, I wouldn't have to live where I live now. I would have soooooo much FREEDOM! GWAZZAH! **

**This story is pure crack randomness. I'm sorry if it offends anyone. **

**I found a llama under your porch . . .**

"And so," continued Satsuki. "We must gather together the rest of our clan."

"Clan?" asked Fuuma, admiring how Beast expertly touched his tongue to his nostrils.

"Yes. You didn't think you'd be alone in the end of the world now, did you?"

"Who shall be in this little clan, eh?" asked Kakyou, rising.

"In a moment, we shall see," replied Satsuki coolly. She signaled to Beast, who rolled his tongue into his mouth and lifted the mauve golf bag. He dragged it, wheezing, to the center of the room as Fuuma, Kakyou, Ken, Adam, Harry (T.B.B.D.) and Kotori watched. Satsuki placed her hand on the bag and whispered something snakelike.

"A Parselmouth!" exclaimed Harry, the buff bishie dude. Nobody minded him. He was always saying the strangest things.

Suddenly, a brilliant red light burst from the bag in the form of a long dragon and disappeared into thin air. The golf bag shattered, as if it were made of glass, and the whole room quaked violently. Kakyou grabbed onto Ken, who grabbed onto Adam, who grabbed onto Harry, the buff bishie dude, who grabbed onto Fuuma, who tried to grab onto Kotori, but couldn't because she was wriggling and rolling all over the floor laughing hysterically and screaming, "IT'S A BOUNCY RIDE!!!!! I WANT MORE MARSHMALLOWS, MR. ROGERS!" But in no time, everything ceased, and the quaking stopped, leaving five shaking men and one girl trying to imitate a moose in its wake. The freak named Satsuki quietly observed the folks of the room and smirked. They were all such imbeciles.

Beast held a small milk carton in his hands, which he lifted up to his master slowly. The Yatouji girl took it and sighed deeply. Her spell had worked. She would have to thank her teacher for that later. But now, there were more important things to be done . . .

"The crystals, Beast," she said, her eyes closed. Beast bowed, then rummaged in his sweat pants pockets. Kakyou spoke up then.

"What was that?!" he cried, outraged.

"I needed to say the magical spell in the presence of "Kamui" so that I could obtain the Bountiful Ultra-nuclear Timeless Tracking Device and Dairy Supplier. The B.U.T.T. D.A.D.S."

"The BUTT DADS?!"

"Yeah."

"THAT'S A MILK CARTON!" Kakyou screamed, pointing to the object in the woman's hands.

"It's not just a milk carton, it's a strawberry milk carton. And using it, I can call the members of our clan to us." She looked at Kakyou like he had said something incredibly stupid. He just silently shook his head, pondering on how a milk carton could be born from a golf bag.

"Bits of Gandalf mother doodads," said Beast, frowning up at Satsuki. At least, that's what it sounded like he said. Satsuki glared at him.

"You forgot the crystals?!" she shouted, causing poor Beast to moan in shame. "I must have reminded you at least ONE TIME to bring them! If even that! Why am I surrounded by idiots?!"

"Fear not, fair four-eyes, I have a spare canteen of crystals." Heads turned to Adam, who held out a handful of crystals to a stunned Satsuki. She blushed, mumbled a weak " thanks" and placed them in the milk carton. Kakyou turned to Adam, surprised.

"Where did you get those?"

"I traded ofuda for them at my last cosplay. My friend gave them to me."

"Which friend?" Kakyou knew that Adam was an emotional wreck, and he had few friends, if any.

Adam glared at Kakyou with his light pink eyes. "That is strictly on a need to know basis and you don't need to know." Kakyou paled. Both were silent. Then they heard Satsuki talking and faced her.

"Beast shall now perform the ritual, and call forth the other members of the clan. I need complete silence." At this last remark, she glared at Kotori who was singing "Jingle Bells" backwards. Out of nowhere, a frying pan collided with the back of Kotori's fuzzy head and the girl keeled over, out cold. Fuuma watched, half grateful and half angry, as Satsuki folded the frying pan back into her jacket. This was just so epic.

Beast placed his chubby hands over the milk carton and closed his eyes. Satsuki sat on the floor Indian style and instructed the other conscious ones to do the same. Beast began to murmur something, a chant that grew louder with each line.

"_Tiny bubbles from the ocean_

_Tiny seashells she sells me_

_Send me all the stallions and frogs_

_I want a banana and eggnog to go."_

Kakyou made a noise of indifference at the lame little poem that was repeated over and over again. Satsuki shot a death glare at him, but made no sound. Everyone else was silent and still as they waited to see what would happen.

After Beast had chanted the poem seven times, he opened his eyes and lifted his hands to his face. The milk carton hovered impossibly in midair, a red fog swirling around the outside container. Kakyou heard Harry, the buff bishie dude, whisper something like, "Neville's Remembrall" and ignored him. Beast grunted, then began the torture.

"CAW! CAW! CAW! CAW! CAW! CAW! CAW! CAW!" Simultaneously, everyone grabbed their ears and tried to block out the horrible crowing. It was unnaturally loud, and it was all they could do to not become deaf. It was so loud that it woke Kotori, who groggily sat up and stared at the wall. Even Satsuki's pointer fingers were lodged uncomfortably in her ears. Beast continued to scream until another red snakelike flash erupted from the levitating milk carton. He immediately silenced, and the members of the room slowly and tentatively removed their hands from their ears. They looked up at Satsuki, who stood silently in the center of the room. She was staring happily at something behind them. The Mafia and Fuuma rose to their feet and turned to face the demolished wall. Standing there were four men, the other members of the clan.

"Welcome," said Satsuki briskly. "I am Satsuki Yatouji. I have called you here because the fate of the world depends upon us. We must win!" At this last remark, she brandished her arm in the air in a "Yes We Can!" stance, a triumphant smile across her face. This didn't really help her features at all. One of the men stepped forward, brandishing a metal detector.

"Are we gonna be paid?" he asked in a gruff voice.

"But of course," replied Satsuki, irked.

"Yeah! I'm in!" He threw his metal detector to the side and danced a jig.

Kakyou pondered on what had just transpired. If he joined this girl's "clan," he might not have to live on the street anymore. The Mafia was an Epic Fail, and he was out of work, so there was no real risk.

"Now, I think we should play the Name Game, because then I will know what to call you all," said Satsuki. The four newcomers happily agreed. Ken, Adam, Harry, the buff bishie dude, Kakyou, Fuuma, and Kotori just stood there awkwardly, especially Kotori. Satsuki observed them and said, "I only need the man-woman and "Kamui." The rest of you can just disappear." Poor Ken, Adam, and Harry, the buff bishie dude, silently trudged across the room and walked through the demolished wall. Kotori bounced after them screaming, "I'LL GET YOU MY PRETTIES!" Kakyou felt bad for her.

"Alright, I'll go first then," said the metal detector guy after everyone was settled. "I'm Kusanagi Shiyu. My favorite color is poop-brown, and my favorite food is stroganoff."

"I'm Yuuto Kigai," said a blonde man on Kusanagi's right. "My favorite color is light blue, and my favorite food is either beef or steak." Satsuki blushed, Yuuto was smokin' hot.

"I-I am, uh, I, uh, am, err, I think, uh, I am Na-Na-Nataku," stammered a young boy to the right of Yuuto. He looked very nervous, and kept fidgeting with a piece of cloth in his lap.

"What's your last name?" asked Satsuki, trying to be kind. Nataku paled.

"L-l-last n-name? Last . . . n-n-name?"

"Urgh! Never mind. I know who you are anyway," said Satsuki, who had minimal patience.

"I am Seishirou Sakurazuka," said a charming man next to Nataku. Everyone gasped. The famous anchorman for the five o' clock news! They were in awe. He flashed a fake smile, then continued. "My favorite color is emerald green, and my favorite food is chocolate chip ice cream."

"Uh, my name is Fuuma Monou, and my favorite color is . . ." Fuuma tried to remember. Everyone stared at him, waiting. He just said the first color that came to mind. " . . . amethyst. And my favorite food is okonomiyaki."

"Kakyou Kuzuki. Orange. Chili dogs."

"And you all know I am Satsuki Yatouji. My favorite color is black, and my favorite food is truffles. So now that we know each other, let's get down to business."

"WAIT JUST ONE MINUTE!"

* * *

So . . . bright. It was . . . so bright. He raised his arms to try to block out the light, but it was too bright. He mumbled something, and he heard startled gasps.

"He is awake!"

"Es El!"

"Kamui!"

And then he opened his eyes. Into a flashlight.

"Owwwww! What the . . ."

"Hey Ashes, get that light out of his face!" The flashlight was removed, and Kamui saw little green and purple blotches in front of him. They disappeared quickly enough, and he looked up. Standing over him were three people he had never seen before. One was holding an ax. He screamed.

"Kamui, please! Calm yourself. We are here to help, not harm you!" It was the raspy-voiced hobo from earlier. Kamui moaned and sat up, rubbing the back of his head. The people stepped back, watching him. The thing in the straightjacket watched him as well, her glossy red eyes sweeping unceasingly over him. It was very unnerving.

"Who are you, and what do you want with me?" asked Kamui in a low voice.

"Please, just listen to what we have to say," said the hobo. "We need you to save the world."

"Puh-lease! This isn't a shoujo manga."

The hobo sighed. This was going to be difficult enough. She nodded to the group of people watching Kamui. One girl stepped forward.

"So, like, here's the 411 dude," she said, cinching her hips. Kamui eyed the ax in her hand warily. "You, like, were totally trippin' a second ago, but like, you need to start paying close like attention to like every single thing I am about to tell you."

"Oh my word," sighed the freakishly large wolf-like dog next to her. "Enough, Yuzuriha."

"HOLY BILLBOARD! THE DOG JUST TALKED!" screamed Kamui, bolting up and falling into the arms of someone who just rushed in.

"Oh, ah, um, sorry," said the person supporting him. "I take it you are Kamui? My pleasure to meet you. I'm Subaru Sumeragi." Kamui stood straight and turned to face his rescuer. It was a man, a very nice looking man, with sad green eyes and straight dark hair. Kamui blushed, for unknown private reasons.

"H-hey. Er, thanks . . ." There was an awkward pause in which Kamui gaped at Subaru's beautiful colonial costume and the man himself stared at the floor. Thankfully, someone broke this silent fangirlish scene with a loud cough.

"Like, COUGH!" said Yuzuriha, drumming her fingers on the hilt of the ax. "I was like so totally saying something when YOU decided to interrupt! I can't tolerate that like AT ALL!" Yuzuriha brandished her ax threateningly at Subaru, who sweat-dropped and hid behind Kamui. The talking dog sighed and put its snout in its paws.

"My children, calm yourselves," mused the raspy voiced hobo. "Let's not be too hasty. Besides, we barely even know each other! How about a nice game of truth or dare to get started, ne?" Nobody dared to disobey. Shamika, Hanukah, and the drunkard from earlier bared their teeth and started to close in on the occupants of the room. For added measure, the drunkard raised a Cabbage Patch Kid warningly. Kamui gulped and slowly sat in a circle with the rest of the humans.

"All right! I get to start!" said the hobo freak cheerfully. "And I choose Kamui!" Everyone stared at the poor boy. How was it they all knew him but he only knew Subaru?! "Truth or dare?"

"Ah, truth."

"How many Pokémon plushies do you currently own? NO LYING!"

_Of course the weasel would pick a tough one_, thought Kamui. "S . . . S-Seventeen."

"YES! I AM NO LONGER ALONE IN THIS WORLD!" screamed Subaru. Immediately following he turned beet red and muttered a thousand apologies.

"Alright Kamui, now you pick someone!" said the hobo shaking the bells on her bindings.

"Uh, you." He pointed the gorgeous model-man. "Truth or dare?"

"Dare! And I'm Sorata by the way."

"Er, hi Sorata. Um, I dare you to sing like a girl."

"Pshaw! I do that anyway!" And with that, Sorata sang a few bars of "My Heart Will Go On."

"Alright, I choose Yuzuriha!" said Sorata, bouncing. "Truth or dare?"

"Like, truth," she said, burying her ax in the wall.

"How many times have you slipped in the shower?"

"Like, how do you expect me to know that? Every time I step into the shower I fall on my face." Kamui burst out laughing. Subaru nudged him to be quiet.

"And like, I choose you, hot stuff." The clumsy girl nodded to Subaru, who blushed. "Truth or dare?"

"Truth, if you please."

"What was the last thing your boyfriend said to you?"

"Ah, let's see. It was two weeks ago . . ." While Subaru thought for a moment, Kamui almost gaped at Subaru. Boyfriend? BOYFRIEND? Did that mean . . .

"It was, 'I found a llama under your porch.'"

"Like, what?"

" 'I found a llama under your porch!' That's what he said!" Yuzuriha and the rest of the occupants in the room stared at him. "Never mind," he muttered, blushing AGAIN. "Uh, I choose Arashi." The girl that was trying to be Lady Gaga perked up. "Truth or dare?"

"Dare! Dare! Dare!" she swayed back and forth, enveloped in a sea of Kermit the Frogs.

"The next time we see each other, wear something normal." Kamui burst out laughing again as Arashi stopped swaying, shock written all over her face. She sank down onto her stomach and clutched the floor. This was probably the most difficult thing she had ever been asked to do. But she would do it.

"Alright then, I choose Ashes," she said, her voice barely above a whisper.

"Um, my name is Seiichirou, not Ashes. Would you please call me by the name my mother gave me?" Kamui turned to see a forlorn man wearing clothes that were covered in grime. He looked very tired, and his glasses were cracked. What a hobo.

"Whatever, Say-YEE-cheer-oh!" spat Arashi, to the amusement of Sorata. "Truth or dare?"

"Truth."

"Have you ever taken a bath?"

Seiichirou looked very uncomfortable as Sorata and Kamui rolled all over the floor, clutching their sides as tears streamed down their faces. Subaru muttered, "It's not funny Kamui," but the boys just laughed harder, pounding their fists on the floor and staring at Seiichirou's slightly blackened face with unquenchable mirth. But suddenly, a stiletto collided firmly into the side of Sorata's head and another into Kamui's gut. They immediately stopped laughing, subdued by the unexpected pain.

"How DARE you!" shouted a strange woman whose dress was exceptionally modest. "He's obviously not as fortunate as we are! How COULD you be so CRUEL?! _Usted idiotas enviados desde el infierno_!"

"Um, excuse me?" said Seiichirou timidly, gazing up at the blonde woman.

"Oh, _lo siento mucho_! I'm sorry! When I get really upset, I start to talk in Español, so don't worry about it. Part of my heritage, you see." Everyone stared at her. She glared at them, daring anyone to challenge her. Seiichirou was the first to speak.

"Um, well, madam, you haven't gone yet, so uh, truth or dare miss . . ."

"I am Karen Kasumi."

"Truth or dare, Kasumi-san?"

"Truth."

"Is that blonde wig really a disguise to cover up that you're secretly a mass murderer that has some really dumb name just because of her hair color?"

"No, of course not," smiled Karen sweetly, crossing her fingers behind her back. "Chemotherapy."

"Ah, I'm terribly sorry," said Seiichirou whole-heartedly.

"EXCUSE me! This isn't a tea party you freaks! I'm the last one to go so ask me the question!" the hobo in the straightjacket was getting restless. Her eyes were open wide and she grinded her teeth at Karen.

"Alright then, Hinoto-hime," said Karen, patting her head. Kamui gasped. Hinoto-Sensei? From fourth grade?

Suddenly, there was a flashback.

_Kamui, in the principal's office again for accidentally smashing the whiteboard with his mind. About to be expelled. And suddenly the door burst open, and in rushed Hinoto-Sensei, the beautiful math teacher, her long silvery hair cascading down her back in a wave of beauty, her beautiful cream face yelling, "Stop, Sensei! Kamui is innocent! I found the real child who did it!" She held up a scrawny boy who did look very similar to Kamui. This boy had the same hair and eye color, but was taller than little Kamui. Kamui knew that he was on the chess team at school and that he had won many tournaments. The boy was screaming, "Let me go! It wasn't me! I don't even come to school that much! I have to stay home and take care of Nunally!" But the principal stared down at him and said, "Enough with your lies, Lamperouge! I knew it was you!" And with that, Hinoto-Sensei escorted an ecstatic Kamui out of the principal's office as the screams of the boy faded into the distance. "You saved me, Sensei," cried Kamui, rushing into his teacher's arms. "We can't have anyone else finding out about what you are, sweetie," she said, her scarlet eyes watching him with love. "What I am?" he asked as she picked him up and carried him back to class. "Yes."_

Kamui jerked out of his trance and rushed to the bound hobo of a teacher. "Hinoto-Sensei! What happened to you?!"

The hobo smiled, making her already ugly face crinkle grotesquely.

"Let's just say I, uh, let myself go and didn't upkeep my appearance. But no need to worry, dear Kamui, I'm still the same old me, so you have nothing to fear." Kamui didn't bother to mention that harmless people aren't usually confined to straightjackets. Subaru looked as though he was having second thoughts about coming as well.

"Now then," said Hinoto the harmful hobo. "It's high time we discuss what we originally gathered here to discuss: the fate of the world. And you, Kamui. We must discuss your destiny."

**XD please review!**


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